When was the last time you wrote to your favorite English teacher? For me, it was about a week ago, when my friend Danielle helped me compose a letter to the ultimate teacher-in-training, Mr. Martin. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it. Then again, maybe I don't... it's so humorous it's hazardous.
Mr. Jeff,
How are you doing? I am fine. Just dreading the end of English class, which is approaching quicker than I would like. In reality, I would like that day to never approach, but that is an unrealistic expectation. Danielle is messing with my stuff. And by stuff I mean this paper. It is borderline infuriating. (That was an exaggeration. In actuality I found it humorous.) Now she is giving me a look that says, “You had better not be writing about me.” Well, sorry Danielle.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch… Well while she is in a time out for talking about me I will talk to you. Never mind I have to work.
I am no longer in time-out. Huzzah! Oh wait, I’m supposed to attempt relevance this time. So… nice weather we’re having today, right? I don’t actually know; I wrote this previous to the current date. If you think about it, this letter is a time-traveler! Then again… aren’t we all? Never mind, I guess I’ve been watching too many episodes of ‘Doctor Who’. Man, I am horrible at small-talk. This is not something I should list on my résumé.
New paragraph which is slightly better than the previous two! Second sentence! So, I couldn’t help but notice that your CD is completely awesome. I just thought you should know that, you know, in case nobody’s ever told you before (which is unlikely). The third track is completely brilliant, by the way. I guess that’s why you named the album after it. But I don’t want you to get a big head, so I shall cease my flattery.
I am positive that you have noticed how many short sentences are in this paper. I apologize for this, but I am afraid that I am not completely immersed in writing this at the moment. There are just some distracting things involving a certain noun hitting the fan. Nothing too drastic. Mostly school-related. Another burst of fragmented sentences. None of them really for dramatic effect. Oh well, I trust you won’t be grading this, because that would probably make you a nazi. Like your driving instructor.
What are you talking about?
Nazis. So you know; the usual.
That’s not weird at all.
Not in Germany, it’s not! In fact, from my personal experience, Germans are typically over-apologetic about that whole thing. Which is good, I suppose, but awkward when you have no reason to bring it up. Plus, it’s not as though all of modern Germany is responsible for what happened in the 1930’s! Oops… rambling again.
Stop this insanity at once!
No need to be so aggressive, Danielle. Cool your jets.
Sorry but I do not have jets.
…touché.
No, no I win.
…That’s what touché means.
No it means a draw………………………………………………………………
*googles definition/origin* “to commend someone on a clever response to an argument.”
Touché
I commend your “touché”, Danielle. In fact, I touché it. So, we are French experts now, non?
Pas de touché……. Say, Mr. Martin do you know what “Fits my life to a tee” means?
--Because we do. Our technology teacher is unclear on the meaning of “to a tee”, but we are aware of its definition.
Alright, the substitute keeps giving me puzzled looks for not working on anything applicable to this class, so perhaps I should go. Well, we should go. Thank you for existing, and reading our random letters… and answering our extraneous questions!
I bid thee adieu.
~Emma Percival Wulfric Brian Hurt (Fictional pseudonym)
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